Learning

Today I have been learning stuff. Lots of stuff. Good stuff, bad stuff and indeterminate stuff.

I learnt that not only is Chthonic a word, it means "related to or concerning the underworld" It's got a Wikipedia entry and everything. And thanks to me Firstborn will be acing her spelling test this week with the sentence: "The mole is a chthonic animal." Oh yes. (Possibly not entirely correct but we USED it good!)

I have learnt that although the bank might say it will accept a birth certificate and any other form of address and personal ID, what they actually mean is 3 from this list: Passport (wrong name), decree absolute, marriage cert (say wut?), birth cert or driving licence (err wrong name again). I'll be going back for the fourth time tomorrow. Naturally very happily.

I have also learnt that I am indeed the world's worst judge of character. Last week F paid me a wondrous compliment when she said that she loved that "When you say "Yes" you mean yes, and when you say "No" you mean absolutely not!". It seems I am alone in this. The lovely CS who has been making me smile much and feel hopeful over the last few weeks, has been harbouring dark thoughts. It seems my close relationships with friends make him feel insecure and unlovely. And there was me thinking all was straight forward, easy going and very well! Like I said - not the best judge of character.

It made me reflect on the dark side of change. Change means hope, but change also means stepping into the unknown. That can sometimes be very scary. Stepping out into the vast, empty wastelands of the potential future can make you feel like Marco Polo on an epic expedition, or it can make you feel as if you've lost your bearings and don't know where the floor is anymore.

I feel like the latter just now. The idea that someone would be able to pretend for over 24 hours that all is well while feeling utterly wretched is totally alien to me. Some might say that I am prone to verbal diarrhea. I prefer to think that I am an open book, I let everyone know where they stand. Clear boundaries, clearly marked. Not inflexible but well defined.

I don't understand what I'm learning in all this - I just know that I am learning hard things today. Tough stuff. I hope that what I learn will change me for the better and that I won't throw everything new away out of fear.

Wish me luck.

Change

A small word which communicates such a lot, both emotionally and practically. 

I decided before the end of last year that 2012 was going to be a different year. Things were going to change. I opened myself up to it, to the idea that keeping things on the same, steady, even keel that they've been on for a while now might not be the only way. That by allowing change into our lives I might find a new path, perhaps even a better way. 

Grandpa dying before Christmas felt less like an ending than a beginning. It felt as if the movement which I had deliberately invited into my life for the new year was already beginning. The shifting of boundaries and static elements in my life was appearing in front of me.

I proactively have sought out some changes. Applying for new jobs, courses and volunteer positions has instantly enabled me to change my views on what is going to be possible careerwise in the future. I have allowed the possibility of romantic love back into my heart. Almost immediately people have come forwards in different areas of my life which has already changed it for the better.

I feel hopeful, fresh, new, almost reborn. When I see the buds of spring, the daffodils and crocii which are out unseasonably early, I feel that they are illustrating the promise I'm anticipating for my/our future. This might sound like some hippydippy shit, but it is changing my view of the past, present and future for me and my family. 

It feels good.

Sometimes a change is as good as a rest. Allegedly.

Remembering Beloved.......

I haven't written anything for a while. It's been Christmas, and New Year and holidays and busy, but also there has been sadness. Grandpa, the most complex person in my family, died suddenly on the 18th of December. He was 93. He had had a chest infection, but he was not ill, or very weak, and so it was a shock to us when during the afternoon, he simply coughed and died.

It was a quiet ending, full of roast beef and whisky and contentment. The last six months without Grandma had been very peaceful for him. He read books for the first time in his life, became much gentler, and finally, on the morning of the day he died told Pa that he loved him.

How wonderful.

What a fantastic ending. If you have to go, what a kindly way to be taken.

We miss him. Particularly because he had begun to be such a lovely man again. Lucky us to have had that time.

Sad to see you go Grandpa. Sweet dreams.