Monday 30 January 2012


Today I have been learning stuff. Lots of stuff. Good stuff, bad stuff and indeterminate stuff.

I learnt that not only is Chthonic a word, it means "related to or concerning the underworld" It's got a Wikipedia entry and everything. And thanks to me Firstborn will be acing her spelling test this week with the sentence: "The mole is a chthonic animal." Oh yes. (Possibly not entirely correct but we USED it good!)

I have learnt that although the bank might say it will accept a birth certificate and any other form of address and personal ID, what they actually mean is 3 from this list: Passport (wrong name), decree absolute, marriage cert (say wut?), birth cert or driving licence (err wrong name again). I'll be going back for the fourth time tomorrow. Naturally very happily.

I have also learnt that I am indeed the world's worst judge of character. Last week F paid me a wondrous compliment when she said that she loved that "When you say "Yes" you mean yes, and when you say "No" you mean absolutely not!". It seems I am alone in this. The lovely CS who has been making me smile much and feel hopeful over the last few weeks, has been harbouring dark thoughts. It seems my close relationships with friends make him feel insecure and unlovely. And there was me thinking all was straight forward, easy going and very well! Like I said - not the best judge of character.

It made me reflect on the dark side of change. Change means hope, but change also means stepping into the unknown. That can sometimes be very scary. Stepping out into the vast, empty wastelands of the potential future can make you feel like Marco Polo on an epic expedition, or it can make you feel as if you've lost your bearings and don't know where the floor is anymore.

I feel like the latter just now. The idea that someone would be able to pretend for over 24 hours that all is well while feeling utterly wretched is totally alien to me. Some might say that I am prone to verbal diarrhea. I prefer to think that I am an open book, I let everyone know where they stand. Clear boundaries, clearly marked. Not inflexible but well defined.

I don't understand what I'm learning in all this - I just know that I am learning hard things today. Tough stuff. I hope that what I learn will change me for the better and that I won't throw everything new away out of fear.

Wish me luck.


  1. You're beautiful. Never change. Not for no-one not nohow, nowhere, nowhen, noway. Promise? xxxxx

    And life IS a journey and every hurt teaches us...the important thing is to keep your heart WIDE open. Always. Yes, that can hurt like hell but closing it off hurts more. Really. Love.

  2. PS I can't believe you didn't know chthonic... Guess you never read Lovecraft? :)

  3. Oh I wish you luck. Where you are is a couple of years on from me. Am at the bottom, surprised and in shock,, while thinking there is yet new and worse bottom to come. Tread carefully w CS. If he's a keeper don't blow it X

  4. Chthonic is one of my favourite words, along with liminal. I consider myself a liminal being, actually.

    The pretending thing. All too familiar to me - I'm dreadful for not saying what I mean and expecting people to work it out via telepathy, though I'm working on it.